NEWS:

Jay’s Plays NFL Picks – Super Bowl XLIX Edition

DeflatedFootball

While we’re down in Florida playing Seminole, Old Memorial, and both Streamsong courses, Ernesto the Prediction Iguana is ready for the Super Bowl. It’s his last appearance for the year, so lets end on a high note. We went 3-1 over all last wee, 1-1 in teasers, bringing the playoff totals to 4-2 in teasers, 9-3 overall. Here’s your winning play for the Big Game!

SUPER BULL!

SEAHAWKS +7 vs. cheatriots
SEAHAWKS-cheatriots OVER 42

Do you really think the Cheatriots will get a single call next week? Fat chance!

Posted on January 25th, 2015 under Chumps, Lunkheads, Dingbats, NFL Picks, Other Sports | Comments: none

Robert Allenby and Tiger Woods – The Tale of the Tool and the Tooth

NO SWELLING? NO CUT? NO BRUISE? NO COMPLAINT AGAINST THE CLUMSY IDIOT WHO DID THIS? AND NO WITNESSES TO CORROBORATE THE STORY? AND WHAT'S WITH THE SKELETOR MASK, HE-MAN?

NO SWELLING? NO CUT? NO BRUISE? NO COMPLAINT AGAINST THE CLUMSY IDIOT WHO DID THIS? AND NO WITNESSES TO CORROBORATE THE STORY? AND WHAT’S WITH THE SKELETOR MASK, HE-MAN?

Well golf certainly had a What-the-hell? Weekend! Tin-foil hat stuff meets the PGA Tour.

First there was Robert Allenby who is mysteriously sporting facial cuts and bruises after some sort of attack in Hawaii. Allenby missed the cut in the SONY Open and went out to a wine bar for dinner and drinks with his caddie and his friends.

The rest of the story is Twilight Zone stuff. Allenby claims to have been slipped a Mickey and abducted…in the trunk of a car no less. It’s clear he lost all his pocket money and his watch.

However his “witnesses” tell different stories. Nobody else seems to have seen him get beat up, thrown from a car trunk, or anything else. One witness said that Allenby “negotiated” having some goons not follow he and someone else around.

This sounds like a scene out of Rounders or something! What? did Allenby pull a Worm (a.k.a. Les Murphy, a.k.a. Edward Norton) and run into Gramma at the wrong time? :):) Weirdsville!

Then if that wasn’t enough Tiger Woods is missing the most suspicious tooth in his mouth – the dead one, the one directly front and center. The one Elin never hit with a golf club or a cell phone or anything else for that matter!

Woods tells a story almost as zany as Allenby’s: someone, we don’t know who smashed Woods’s face with a camera and knocked the tooth out, but didn’t leave any other mark on Eldrick’s face – no bruise, no cut, no swelling.

Dude, sign that guy up for a career as an orthodontist. That hit must have been perfect!

okay, then why has no one identified the guy? I mean Team Tiger must be mad as hell that some klutz mangled the face of their gravy train. Surely he’d be string up by his entrails by now! What happened?

Remember, this is the same Tiger that explained to us that Elin was just holding that golf club and smashing Escalade windows to get Tiger out of the Thanksgiving Day wreck. It was heroism and rescue he told us!

Well maybe we should have sent Elin and the golf club in to save Allenby…

In both instances: Hello, Dog? Here’s a nice juicy bone. Go to town!

Posted on January 20th, 2015 under Chumps, Lunkheads, Dingbats, News, PGA Tour | Comments: none

Top Five Teams to Come Through the Utica Aud at the AHL Halfway Point

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Top Five Teams to Come Through the Utica Aud at the AHL Halfway Point

by Jay Flemma, Special to Facewash Magazine

As we close in on the AHL All-star break, the plucky, feisty, surprising Utica Comets are the darlings of the AHL and a feel-good story resounding all around hockey. Yes, they lost last night 2-1 to Milwaukee on a goal in the final minute, but with three players on the All-star team, (Goalie Jacob Markstrom, Center Cal O’Reilly, and defenseman Bobby Sanguinetti) ad head coach Travis Green set to skipper the squad, there’s life and pride all up and down Genesee Street.

They have been the Cardiac Comets, however, consistently playing more one-goal games than any other AHL team. Sometimes it’s tough to differentiate between the contenders and pretenders that have come through the Aud this season to face the Comets. Moreover, we are creeping towards the playoffs and the Comets need to focus on securing the North Division title as well as, perhaps, the top seed overall in the Western Conference. Let’s take a look back at the best teams to come through the Aud and how they match up against Travis and the boys. We’ll also highlight the thoughts of other hockey fans and experts.

5. Adirondack Flames

Everyone agrees – it’s a statistical outlier that the Comets are 7-0 against their division foe and neighbor to the east. “It’s misleading. All the games have been close and could have gone either way,” said Green, and he’s right. The last time the two teams met in Utica Markstrom had to bail out the Comets with 42 saves, many of them as acrobatic as a Flying Wallendas trapeze act. The Flames get solid goaltending from Joni Ortio. He ranks third in the AHL in wins and fifth in the league in saves.

4. San Antonio Rampage

The Panthers affiliate is both speedy and skillful on the one hand, yet bruising and relentless on the other. They outplayed Utica in October yet lost 5-2, but returned on New Year’s Day to smear the Comets 3-0. They controlled the tempo in the October matchup dominating at times and dismantled the Comets in the second Utica match-up when they came out flat. Bobby Butler is fifth in the AHL in scoring. Goaltending and defense are bugaboos however. Though they have an AHL top-5 power play, their penalty kill ranks a dismal 25th overall.

3. Milwaukee Admirals

They have the number one goalie in the AHL in Magnus Hellberg, who has been Hell on other teams. He stopped 27 shots in their 2-1 win at the Aud last night, and helped propel the Nashville affiliate into a tie for fourth place in the Conference, a position from which they would host a potential deciding game in a first round playoff series. It was their sixth consecutive win. Center Austin Watson leads the AHL in game winning goals (5).

2. Syracuse Crunch

Stop yelling, They can hear you all the way in Rochester. There’s nothing to be done about it. They stumbled out of the gate, but they mirror Utica by having two phenomenal goaltenders and being gritty, chippy, and smart. They clog the neutral zone, slowing or stymieing the Comets’ transition game. They keep both forecheckers above the puck to harry the transition game further. All five guys working puck out of defensive zone as a single unit.

It’s a great system. Too bad their branding is so ghastly.

“Already this season they have a 10-game winning streak to their credit. As well, the Crunch just may have the strongest goaltending duo this season – aside from Utica – with Andrei Vasilevskiy and Kristers Gudlevskis on top of their game,” explains Adam Reid, founder and publisher of AHLWriters.com.

1. Chicago Wolves – Don’t let their pedestrian 19-14-4 record (42 pts.) fool you because the St. Louis Blues’ affiliate has earned the respect of players around the league. They are the best passing team we’ve see this year, consistently tape to tape. They have speed speed speed! They are as rough and tumble as anyone in the league. They came into Utica early in the season and dominated both games, winning the opening game 3-0, frustratingly losing the on a seeing-eye bouncing puck. They’ll be itching for some payback, and might get their chance come playoff time. They’ll be much more than just a tough out.

VOICES FROM THE ARENA

ADAM REID/AHL.COM’S TOP 5 AHL SQUADS

1. Utica Comets – It is hard to argue against anyone who says that the Utica Comets are the strongest team in the American Hockey League right now. Since returning from injury Jacob Markstrom is playing lights out and giving the Comets a chance to win every night. Markstrom is leading the league in shutouts, and save percentage. As well, Cal O’Reilly has been a bright spot as he has put up 30 points in 37 games thus far.

2. Manchester Monarchs – The Monarchs…three players in the top four scoring this season with Brian O’Neill, Nick Shore and Jordan Weal. Goaltender Jean-Francois Berube leads the league with 19 wins in just 26 games.

3. Syracuse Crunch

4. Milwaukee Admirals – The Admirals top 3 scorers are rookies in their first season in the American Hockey League so it will be interesting how they fare down the stretch.

5. Springfield Falcons – Their longest winning streak this year so far has been 11-games and only on three occasions have the Falcons lost consecutive games.

FAN POLL – TOP 5 TEAMS THEY WANT TO SEE NEXT YEAR

1. Scranton Wilkes-Barre Penguins

2. Hershey Bears

3. Bridgeport Sound Tigers

4. Lehigh Valley Phantoms

5. St. John’s Ice Caps

UTICA GREEN MEN’S TOP FIVE VISITING TEAMS…TO HATE

5. Binghamton Sens – “They are chippy, angry, and they hit hard.”

4. Rochester Amerks

3. Syracuse Crunch

2. San Antonio Rampage – “They hate us…especially [name redacted]. He threatened to kick our butts!”

1. Adirondack Flames

IT'S NOT THAT EASY BEING GREEN...

IT’S NOT THAT EASY BEING GREEN…

SEASON TICKET HOLDER DAN REESE

5. San Antonio Rampage

4. Grand Rapids Griffins

3. Toronto Marlies

2. Adirondack Flames

1. Syracuse Crunch

COMETTE RIANNA AND HER FRIEND ELLA CHEER ON THE COMETS.

COMETTE RIANNA AND HER FRIEND ELLA CHEER ON THE COMETS.

Posted on January 17th, 2015 under FACEWASH!, Other Sports | Comments: none

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